On Fatherhood.
Fatherhood was never part of the plan. At least, not initially. It just sort of happened. At 28, I was still very much ensnared in the grips of alcoholism. I was, in many ways, still a child myself—selfish, lost, and simply drifting through life, focusing solely on my own needs and desires. The notion of becoming a father never truly crossed my mind.
Now, let me clarify: being a parent isn’t for everyone, and that's perfectly fine. Whatever your reason for not wanting children, it’s your choice, and I respect that. I'm not here to boast about my experiences as a father, nor am I attempting to attribute my journey to some higher power or divine purpose. Rather, I want to reflect on the perspective shift I've experienced over the past seven years, share what I've learned, and perhaps offer some insight or inspiration to you, the lucky reader of my thoughts.
1. Emotional and Mental Growth
Fatherhood often forces men to confront and manage their emotions more directly and responsibly. For instance, a study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that new fathers experience significant shifts in their identity and self-perception, leading to greater emotional maturity. For me personally, the responsibility of being a role model has made me more conscious of my emotional responses and pushed me to develop a healthier way to process and express feelings. It’s not just about keeping my emotions in check; it’s about understanding and guiding my child through their emotional landscapes as well.
2. Reflections on Childhood
Understanding my own childhood has been crucial in shaping how I approach parenting. Research from the American Psychological Association suggests that parents often parent in a manner similar to how they were parented unless they make a conscious effort to change. This introspection has helped me identify patterns and behaviors that I prefer not to pass down to my child, ensuring a more positive environment for their development. This reflective process has been both challenging and rewarding, allowing me to break cycles and foster new, healthier traditions in our family.
3. New Purpose and Responsibility
Finding new purpose is a common theme among fathers. The responsibility of caring for another life often brings clarity and motivation that might not have been present before. Statistically, fathers report a high level of motivation to excel in their careers and personal health as a direct result of their parenting roles, according to a survey by the National Fatherhood Initiative. For me, every decision now carries the weight of its impact on my family, driving me to be more thoughtful and deliberate in my actions and choices. Having chosen sobriety for over a year now, getting back in the gym every day and losing 40 pounds, as well as going to the doctor and getting my health in order, were all motivated by my son and my girlfriend. And also by not wanting to die at 42 of a heart attack.
4. Rediscovering the Inner Child and Healing
Engaging with my child in their world has allowed me to reconnect with my own inner child—an aspect of myself that was buried under years of adult responsibilities and challenges. This reconnection is often therapeutic; a study by Child Development found that parents who engage playfully with their children not only build stronger bonds but also experience personal joy and relaxation. This playful interaction helps in healing old wounds and creating a joyful present. I also get to watch all the 90’s Nickelodeon cartoons that I want again, whether he likes them or not.
5. Letting Go of Pettiness, Embarrassment, and Fear
Parenthood has a unique way of putting things into perspective. What once seemed like major issues can suddenly appear trivial when compared to the responsibilities of fatherhood. The focus shifts from self-centered concerns to the well-being and upbringing of the child. This shift is evident in how parents often report feeling less concerned about others’ opinions and more focused on what is genuinely important for their family.
Each of these points underscores the impact fatherhood has had on my life. This journey, while challenging, is also filled with moments of profound growth and happiness.
Fatherhood, for me, has been a powerful and enlightening experience—one that continues to shape and guide me as I navigate the complexities of life. If you read all that and don’t have any kids, you’re pretty cool and patient. Cheers kids.
